Childhood Scars...

I guess when I think about it, childhood injuries are inevitable.  From the first day of exploration to riding bikes, bumps and bruises are bound to happen.  I suppose one of our jobs as parents is to try to minimize the injuries sustained (i.e. knee pads, outlet covers, padded walls).  As I look at some of the trouble I found myself in when I was a kid, a lot of my scars came with an important lesson or two about what NOT to do.  Like the one under my chin that came as the result of swinging on a bench I shouldn't have been swinging on.  So I guess to some extent, I was prepared to deal with Jaycee's bloody lips, bruised knees and other injuries.  What I wasn't prepared for was those injuries that she would be inflicting on me!  

Jaycee is sleeping with us still, so when she wakes up, so do I.  I usually let her wake up slowly and eventually she stands up to make her official "I'm awake" announcement.  This can be some random screaming or even some face poking.  So today's wake up call was in the form of a tiny finger being violently jammed up my nose.  Naturally, a bloody nose followed.  So far (not including needle pokes) Jaycee has only had two bloody anythings.  Me from Jaycee: more than ten.  From the biting to the head butting.  The poking and pulling.  Her weapons are becoming stronger and more complex.  So I guess I'm saying that childhood scars should also include parenthood scars.  Better me than her, right?... 

New Family= New Traditions...

I think a big part of having a new baby is learning to live life with a new family.  Before Jaycee's arrival, life was very different (obviously).  If we needed to do something, the only hassle was getting dressed and driving.  Now we have to get ourselves dressed, dress Jaycee, change diapers, stock the diaper bag, get the car seat ready, (etc.).  Now I am certainly not complaining.  I definitely knew that life was going to change and we were as prepared as possible, but I have run into the problem of the HOLIDAYS (cue the scary music).  Both Jess and I come from families that have some traditions of meeting together to celebrate.  Naturally, the question of where to go comes up.  While this was only a slight bump when we first got married, now with Jaycee; things got complicated.  My family traditionally meets Christmas Eve and parties until midnight (or later) to ring in the holiday.  Jess' family meets for lunch/early dinner on Christmas Eve.  Last year, we were able to hit both.  It was a long day (especially with Jess being 7 1/2 months pregnant), but we made it work.  This year, the prospect of driving in the rain on Christmas Eve seemed a little cumbersome.  So, I made the big decision to not do the midnight festivities this year and end the day with the early dinner with Jess' family.  Unfortunately, this didn't go over so well.  Some of my family saw this choice as a break of the tradition and were pretty outspoken about it.  Concerned that I might have made some waves, I tried to think of ways to do something that worked on both sides.  So I decided to visit with family on the 23rd instead.  It was made apparent again that I was breaking tradition and some people still weren't happy.  What to do?  Nothing.  I chose to stick with my plans of an early evening and a rested Christmas day.  Some people might see this as selfish, but I saw it as the best way to make the holiday great for MY family.  I think I made the right choice for everyone and maybe next year we can change it up.  And last night, I sat next to our exhausted baby at 8:30 as she curled up next to me and I swore I heard her say: Good Choice dad, Good Choice...  

To Clothe or not to Clothe...

There has been a little debate here about Jaycee and clothing.  Before Jaycee made her debut, we amassed a large supply of outfits.  Thanks to generous family and friends, we didn't have to buy very many things until recently.  One of the perks to Southern California is the wonderful weather.  Jaycee was able to wear all sorts of sun dresses and tank tops out and about and we never had to worry about her getting cold.  Well, I found myself in a little bit of a routine with Jaycee's clothes... like I didn't put any on her.  Of course when we went out she'd have on any of her many outfit choices, but when we were planted at home: naked (with diaper, most of the time).  Jess would leave in the morning and kiss a clothed baby goodbye and greet a shirtless/pant less wild child when she got home.  The funny thing is, I wasn't skipping the clothes out of laziness, but rather it seemed like Jaycee really enjoyed being nature baby  (plus it was always fun to watch her investigate her belly button).  With that said, Jess always gave me a hard time over our clothing optional policy.  I can see her side, we had so many clothes that she won't and didn't get to wear so we might as well get a cycle out of them.  Even with that knowledge, I really felt like she was happy without the weight of a cotton onesie.  As winter rolls in, the debate ends.  It is a little to cold to crawl around naked, so we have to cover up that skin.  Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.  I guess in some ways, seeing a naked baby made me think she was just a little tiny baby.  When she wears clothes, she looks like a college bound teenager.  Ok, a little bit of an exaggeration, but its kind of true.  I'll do anything to make this last a little longer...

All is flux...

A Greek philosopher once said "The only constant is change."  I have come to the conclusion that Heraclitus must have been a father, because change seems to be the theme of fatherhood and parenthood in general.  It seems like I've posted on this subject before, but so much has happened and is happening that I think it is worthy of another one.

Of course I can dwell on the obvious changes with my little monkey (Jaycee), like her increased crawling speed, her ability to stand up quickly (and fall quickly), her chompers that are poking through her gums faster than we can count them, and countless other developments that come with each day, but I have noticed a lot of changes with myself.  I'm sure a lot of these changes are natural (hopefully), but I still have to look in the mirror sometimes and acknowledge them.

What are these changes?  I'm sure they are subtle to many people (especially parents), but they are new to me.  As Jaycee and I stumble through our days together we learn together and naturally she is a much faster learner than I; however, that doesn't mean she is slowing down for me!  Nevertheless, I find myself in awe of her and I realize how far down on the Totem pole I really am.  The other day I was enjoying a swim in the pool with my girls and I was suddenly inspired to try a backflip off the edge.  In my younger days (hahaha), I would have done it without hesitation and been out of the water to do it again.  Not this time, as I stood on top of the rock looking over the deep blue end of the pool, I glanced up to see Jaycee's beautiful inquisitive eyes staring right back at mine.  I took a step down off the rock onto the pool's edge and slipped gently into the water and swam up next to her.  All the sudden, my fun seemed so unnecessary.  My responsibility to that little baby is the only thing that will ever matter to me ever again.  It was in those moments that I saw that my happiness and joy is her happiness and joy.  Her smile is mine, her fears are mine, her battles are my battles.  There is NOTHING in this world that I wouldn't do for her.

Of course this wasn't an entirely new observation, but the gravity of its reach caught me off guard.  I notice that those things that were once my passions and joys suddenly seem so meaningless.  I played soccer at a local park in a semi-competitive league this summer and cut it short when a couple of the other guys were playing a little rough... A little rough?  Are you kidding me?  I used to love that!  They play a  little rough, I play a little rougher and so on.  

It is so easy to label this phenomenon as "aging" or "maturing", but it is much more complex than that.  My concerns are whether or not I will be the father I want to be or if I'm giving Jaycee everything she needs.  What a concept: my life is forever changed by a little girl that has only been in my life for 9 months, two weeks, four days and 10 hours.  There was a day that I was afraid of responsibility, but now I welcome it with open arms.  It is responsibility that gave my life meaning and it that same responsibility that will make my life complete...

My First Official Failure...

I suppose it was bound to happen.  Even with that knowledge, I don't feel much better...  Our little girl is growing and learning everyday.  I sometimes wonder if she could develop any faster.  One day she was saying 'ba ba ba" and literally the next day said "ma ma".  It seems like every week there is something new.  I am finding that at this point Jaycee needs 100 % of my attention.  I used to be able to leave her in one place, get up to answer the phone and she would be where I left her.  Now, if I turn to look at the clock, it is a good possibility that she could be on her way downstairs to make herself some lunch!  Yesterday, I found this out the hard way, the hardest way I could.  With all her recent developments, we are discovering that Jaycee likes to skip steps.  When I look in the "What to expect..." books, I find that she is often a month or even two ahead with some of her discoveries.  One of these discoveries is her ability to stand up and attempt to walk.  Well this might be expected, except that Jaycee decided crawling is for babies and has given us little warning about her ability to stand up and attempt a step.  While sitting on her bottom, she was playing nicely with her toys.  I was sitting next to her and was enjoying the peace of a concentrating baby when I noticed a wipe that had fallen from the table.  I got up to pick it up and throw it away.  I would imagine that it took me approximately 2 seconds to throw it away.  In those two seconds, Jaycee had used one of her toys to stand up.  As quickly as she could wobble to her feet, she fell face down on the only area of the wood floor that isn't covered by a fluffy rug.  I picked her up immediately and began to search for injuries.  She buried her head into my shoulder as I checked her head and limbs.  Then I pulled her away to have a look at her face.  In addition to a mark on her forehead and one across the nose, her two baby teeth had gone into her top lip causing her to bleed.  Worried that she might need a stitch, I took her to the doctor.  After being assured that it would heal fine without any treatment, we left a little bruised and guilt ridden (Jaycee being the bruised one).  I can say with all honesty that I have never hurt so bad in my life as I did when I picked my little girl up from the ground only to see blood running down her little lips onto her chin.  I would have fallen on my face 100 times before I let her get hurt.  Its my job.  I am supposed to watch her.  I am supposed to keep her safe and as pain free as possible.  I failed.  I never thought parenthood could be so painful... Lesson learned...

It's a girl... It's definitely a girl...

First off, to anybody reading this: JESS IS NOT PREGNANT AGAIN!  Hopefully you'll understand the title of this post by the end of it.  With that out of the way...  When we made the trip to find out if the bun in the oven was a boy or a girl, I was obviously anxious.  Not just because I wanted to know, but also because I just wanted to know what color paint to buy.  A lot of people say: "I don't care, as long as the baby is healthy."  I guess I was saying the same thing at the time, but I genuinely felt that way.  For those of you who know me well, you might know that I like to see things laid out when it comes to choices.  Like if someone asks me: Paper or Plastic.  Paper is more durable, it is easier to line up in the back of the car and it holds the cold in for the frozen stuff.  On the other hand, plastic isn't bulky like paper, it is lightweight, and it is reusable in my house.  That settles it: plastic it is.  Before we found out what our baby was, I did this same exact thing.  The trouble was that I had no knowledge to base my opinions off.  So in the end, boy or girl, I would be learning as I went along.  For those of you who don't have kids or for the dads that don't have daughters, you might find this helpful.  Those of you who don't fall into either of those categories, try not to laugh at me too hard.  Here I am, a dad with no baby experience, slowly learning the ropes.  As Jaycee grows, so do I.  Every obstacle we encounter together, we defeat together.  Then a roadblock appeared on the horizon... Jaycee is a girl.  (Of course I knew that before this week, but this was a little different).  Jess asked me the other day how long I wanted her hair to grow.  So I told her: Long.  To which she said: "So you are going to do her hair every morning before school?"  Uh oh.  Then it slowly started to sink in.  Hair, make-up, bikinis, manicures, BOY FRIENDS!!!  Houston, we are going to have a problem.  Not for Jaycee, for me.  Curfews, earrings, lip gloss, eyeliner, prom, BOY FRIENDS!!!  So I let that marinate for while and just when I was about to move my family to Antarctica, perspective came back to me in the form of a smiling six and a half month old baby who has two teeth sticking out.  "Teach your children well, a father's hell will slowly go by."  At the end of the day, I teach my children through my choices.  It is my responsibility to lead my children toward a life I want for them with a loving and supportive family and morals to hold onto.  I have a long time to do right by Jaycee and any future siblings she will have.  So I consider myself lucky to have realized this so early.  Meanwhile, I'll be working on my french braid... The rest will come naturally...  

The bitter sweet reality of a stay at home dad...

When Jess and I finally determined that I should be the one at home with Jaycee, I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  I figured my days at home, while Jess was working, would be spent trying to stop Jaycee from crying until Jess returned to rescue her from her inept father.  Of course, Jess didn't see it that way; she thought everything would be fine.  She thought we'd get along great and that Jaycee would be okay with her daddy.  Well, I am happy to say, Jess was right.  She was VERY right.  It didn't take long for Jaycee and I to find our routine and to get to know each other.  As time passed, something began to change.  Jaycee began to recognize me as her main caregiver.  She began to rely on my touch and voice for comfort.  When she cried, I could calm her down.   When she was fussy, I could get her to eat.  When she was tired, I could put her to sleep.  Not only could I do all these tasks, but I was the ONLY one who could.  Of course, this was sometimes a problem.  Like if I was away and Jess was home alone, life could be difficult for both of them.  I felt bad a lot of the time, considering that Jess had done such a wonderful job of bringing Jaycee into the world and was doing so much to keep her happy and healthy.  At the same time though, I felt something that I had never felt before.  Important.  The fact that my little girl needed me so much, changed my life completely.  It was so easy to make her the center of my world and even easier when I became the center of hers.  So time went on and our routines went strong.  I knew what she wanted and when and she knew what to do to get it.  Then came the summer.  Jess was finally going to be home and Jaycee was going into her fourth month.  I was looking forward to Jess bonding with Jaycee and maybe even a little relaxation as we shared the duties of diaper changes and bottle warming.  I must say, things went great.  As Jaycee got older, she became more and more aware of two important people and Jess quickly became a prime source of comfort and care.  So here we are, a few months later and summer is coming to an end.  It has been great having Jess home and even better that Jaycee has come to know her mommy better.  This is what leads me to the bitter sweet part of the story.  The need that Jaycee once had for her daddy has changed completely.  Now that Jaycee is almost six months old, she has begun to accept the fact that other people in her life care about her and are able to comfort her.  I think this is great.  I don't worry about her when I am gone (as much) and I know that she is getting to know some important people in her life.  So here I am at a realization that I didn't see coming.  While Jaycee was growing attached to me, I was growing even more attached to her.  Sure she needed to eat and be rocked to sleep, but I needed to do those things for her. So when she decided she didn't need them from me anymore, I was left with empty arms and wonderful memories of how important I felt.  I spent so many hours with her against my chest swaying left and right until her eyelids became too heavy to stay open.  I needed those hours.  How appropriate that she spent so much time with her head over my heart, because that is where those hours will stay... just me and my little girl.... left and right... left and right... left... 

New fun... New Fear...

I am in total awe (sometimes denial) of how quickly Jaycee is growing and changing.  First she was smiling and baby babbling and now she is rolling over and teething.  I find myself thinking about the near future: crawling, walking, talking, texting (etc.).  We are having so much fun and we have so much more fun ahead of us.  I have encountered one problem with all these changes and all this fun: FEAR.  I never pictured myself as the worrisome parent.  I never thought I was going to be afraid to leave the room while Jaycee is sleeping soundly or that I would wake up a million times a night to check on her.  It seems like every development presents another concern.  For example, when I change her I can't even reach down to grab a diaper or she'll flip over on her stomach and reach for things that aren't baby friendly.  Oh, and that is a another problem now.  I thought our house was baby friendly!  I was obviously wrong, because Jaycee is quick to point out the flaws.  See, babies aren't required to read or acknowledge child safety warnings.  So that plastic bag that happens to be on the edge of the counter, somehow ends up in her chubby little grasp while she is slung over my shoulder.  I try to make a special effort to try and relax.  I try not to sweat the small stuff.  I guess I am starting to realize I cannot keep up.  Jaycee is changing faster than I am.  It's like she knows where she is going all the time and I am chasing behind her with a diaper bag and band-aids and the gap is getting wider.  I hope I don't sound like I am so stressed I can't be happy, because I am happy.  I am happy to see that my little girl is well on her way to a happy/healthy life.  I accept that my only responsibility in this world is to catch her when she falls (figuratively and literally).  Sometimes I think it would be easier to not let her fall and hold her up.  Then again, I wonder sometimes who is holding who up.  Is it me, being there to block out the bad and keep Jaycee smiling?  Or is it Jaycee, giving me another reason to wake up grateful for my life, my wife, and my family and keeping her neurotic father smiling?  

The Double Take...

When we were planning on starting our family, the idea of me being a stay at home dad was sort of tossed out on the table.  After all, Jess was on her way to her degree and my commute to work was just too far.  Our options began to seem endless.  I could stay working and Jess could work part time.  We could live on a shoestring budget and Jess could be at home with the little one while I worked.  I  could look for a new job closer to home at night; and the list goes on.  In the end the best decision turned out to be for me to take the non traditional role of stay at home dad.  I am very aware that it isn't common for a man to be at home with his baby while mom is off at work and at first it seemed a little strange.  I have never known a stay at home dad and I didn't even know what one did.  Then when Jaycee got here I figured it out pretty quick.  Basically I do the same things every dad does, except I do it all day long.  Needless to say, as time wore on being at home seemed normal (to me that is).  While Jaycee and I were firmly in our routine I began to notice the double takes I was getting.  Not like people physically couldn't believe their eyes, but more of the mental double take.  You know, the one where you tell someone something they are not ready to hear and they raise their eyebrows slightly and give an awkward smile.  This bothered me a little.  I mean; what is the difference?  I take care of my baby just like anyone else would.  I change diapers, feed her, hug her, hold her, kiss her and all that other parent stuff.  How does anyone know I'm not as good as anyone else out there?  The point is: they don't.  That is when I realized the importance of perspective.  I guess I could stay offended and dread the "what kind of work do you do?" question, or I can totally embrace it.  After all I have the BEST job in the world.  Besides, I think I'm actually pretty good at this stuff.  When I look at it that way, why should I be offended?  I still manage to turn some of my tasks into man jobs.  I have been known to take out the stop watch while I change the dirty diapers.  I guess if I can say one thing it's this:  if you ever come across a stay at home dad, try to keep the eyebrows down, I'm sure he loves his job.  Oh and ask him if he's interested in a little diaper changing competition.  The current champion (me) holds the record: 13 seconds wet and 38 seconds messy...

Stress...

Another month comes and goes.  I find that the faster Jaycee grows, the faster life seems to move.  As the pace quickens the stress of life seems to increase.  As our adventure continues, I am learning that doing day to day activities isn't as easy as it was pre baby.  Just to go out I have a list of requirements that sometimes take longer to prepare than the actual trip would take.  Needless to say, I haven't been getting out much.  Lately I have been letting the stress build and I often have to remind myself that I am so lucky to be here at home with my little girl.  I have to stop and think about how hard my wife works everyday to take care of our family financially and then she has to come home and be super mom.  When you feel like the walls are closing in on you, it makes it hard to stop and put things into perspective.  I have spent some time thinking about the truths in my life that will ground me and set me straight and I have found that every truth is about my wife and my daughter.  Then the cycle completes itself.  I love my daughter and I love my wife.  I take care of my daughter everyday out of love and I love my wife for allowing me to have this little angel in my life.  It's funny how we can let the little things take over our thoughts when we lose sight of the big picture.  You know, I am learning more about life from Jaycee than I was ever able to learn on my own.  I can't wait for my next lesson.  Now who could be stressed with so much to look forward to?...  

Yes, it's official: I'm a dork...

A few days ago, Jess and I decided to go out to run some errands.  Since it takes so long to get Jaycee ready for an outing, we usually like to do all our errands at once.  Now I'll be the first to admit I have never been the fastest at getting ready to go.  On top of that, I usually forget things.  Needless to say, Jess always follows behind me and picks up the slack.  Well on this particular outing I was in charge of Jaycee.  I must say, I did pretty well.  I got all her stuff packed and didn't forget a single thing.  As for myself... let's just say I missed a few things.  Like grooming and proper clothing.  Being at home with Jaycee all day is wonderful, but Jaycee doesn't exactly let me know how I look.  It usually takes someone commenting on my 'grizzly' appearance before I remember to shave.  On this day, Jaycee neglected to tell me that I had been wearing my painting pants that had a hole in the rear about 9 inches long.  Whoops.  That is when something occurred to me: I'm a dork now!  I have made the official step into parenthood.  I don't care how I look, as long as my baby is happy.  Even with this knowledge, I don't see things changing any time soon.  After all, being a dork isn't so bad.  Sometimes I do dorky things like wearing my shirt inside out all day or putting my underwear on backwards only to figure it out when I REALLY have to go.  Then on the other hand I do dorky things like dance around the house to Neil Diamond with Jaycee in my arms and both of us laughing.  Or I stare at her while she is sleeping and wonder what I have done in this life to deserve such a wonderful, perfect, and beautiful little girl.  Or I look at Jess while she is holding Jaycee and I think about what a great family I have in front of me.  That is when it hit me;  if that makes me a dork, I'll wear that proudly.  So the next time you see a man walking through Blockbuster Video with a hole in his pants the size of Texas, maybe you should envy him and not pity him.  He just might be the luckiest and happiest man you will ever meet...

The Question

When Jess and I were dating, it must have been apparent that we were meant to be married.  It seemed like every time we saw our family and friends the question always came up: "When are you going to get married?".  So then we got married.  After a few months of marriage bliss, the question changed: "When are you going to have a baby?".  February 12th, 2008 arrived along with our beautiful little girl.  So all the questions have been answered, right?  Wrong!  "When are you having the next?".  The newest question.  At first I was floored and couldn't even give a straight response.  Another baby?  Do you not know what it takes to raise a newborn?  After fretting over the answer I would give the next time it was asked, I came to a revelation.  Everyone who asks the question has already been there.  They have all successfully raised children (which at some point were newborns).  I understand now.  There are few things in this world better than looking into Jaycee's eyes and knowing how much she needs me, now and forever.  Why wouldn't I want this experience again?  On an even deeper level, I realize that I need her.  So next time I get THE QUESTION, I just might surprise you (and my wife) with the answer...

Priorities...

I have to say that this learning experience is very rapidly moving.  It seems like just when I get one thing down, Jaycee is off onto something else.  For example, she usually wakes up at 6 a.m. and is ready to eat.  After a bottle, it's back to bed until 10ish.  Then one morning she had her 6 a.m. bottle then back to bed... then Jaycee said (no she's not talking yet, but as you'll probably see, I like to read her thoughts) "Not so fast Dad!  I think I'll be awake for awhile."  Awake she was for 4 hours.  Let's just say I made the rookie mistake of "making plans".  Those "plans" were important to me, but Jaycee decided for her... not so much.  Which leads me to my discovery of the month.  Priorities.  Something that you or I might think has some kind of importance, doesn't really matter to our little ones;  I suppose it shouldn't.  It takes those little reminders by Jaycee that this life is so short and these years, months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes are merely a bunch of seconds that go by one at a time never to be seen again.  So I guess I'm at the old cliché.  "They are only little once."  Wise advice that every parent gives so willingly.  With that said, I would like to submit my new list of priorities listed by the most important first:

1.  Jaycee

That was easy...

Where's the switch? Somebody hit the switch!

After much thought and delay, here is my first blog.  I thought this would be a great way to see how much I've learned while my daughter grows and anyone curious enough can see as well.  I spent a lot of time wondering what it was like to be a father in those nine months.  I thought that as soon as Jaycee was born a switch would flip.  The Dad switch.  I watched men when I was waiting for my bundle of joy to arrive and I saw Dads.  I'm sure they weren't like that until their switch was flipped.  So February 12, 2008 came and so did Jaycee.  What an experience.  I felt different.  I felt proud.  I felt... scared.  When was the switch going to flip?  How was I going to become what my dad was or his dad was?  Besides, the best men I know are all fathers.  How was I going to become one of them?  So here I am five weeks later and I think I figured it out;  A father is a man who loves his child.  He loves his child with everything he has.  A man who puts his needs behind his child's needs.  That is the switch.  Now I understand why the best men I know all have fatherhood in common.  They are selfless, protective and caring;  everything I want to be.  Thank you to all those dads who were teaching me to be a man and a father without even knowing it...