All is flux...

A Greek philosopher once said "The only constant is change."  I have come to the conclusion that Heraclitus must have been a father, because change seems to be the theme of fatherhood and parenthood in general.  It seems like I've posted on this subject before, but so much has happened and is happening that I think it is worthy of another one.

Of course I can dwell on the obvious changes with my little monkey (Jaycee), like her increased crawling speed, her ability to stand up quickly (and fall quickly), her chompers that are poking through her gums faster than we can count them, and countless other developments that come with each day, but I have noticed a lot of changes with myself.  I'm sure a lot of these changes are natural (hopefully), but I still have to look in the mirror sometimes and acknowledge them.

What are these changes?  I'm sure they are subtle to many people (especially parents), but they are new to me.  As Jaycee and I stumble through our days together we learn together and naturally she is a much faster learner than I; however, that doesn't mean she is slowing down for me!  Nevertheless, I find myself in awe of her and I realize how far down on the Totem pole I really am.  The other day I was enjoying a swim in the pool with my girls and I was suddenly inspired to try a backflip off the edge.  In my younger days (hahaha), I would have done it without hesitation and been out of the water to do it again.  Not this time, as I stood on top of the rock looking over the deep blue end of the pool, I glanced up to see Jaycee's beautiful inquisitive eyes staring right back at mine.  I took a step down off the rock onto the pool's edge and slipped gently into the water and swam up next to her.  All the sudden, my fun seemed so unnecessary.  My responsibility to that little baby is the only thing that will ever matter to me ever again.  It was in those moments that I saw that my happiness and joy is her happiness and joy.  Her smile is mine, her fears are mine, her battles are my battles.  There is NOTHING in this world that I wouldn't do for her.

Of course this wasn't an entirely new observation, but the gravity of its reach caught me off guard.  I notice that those things that were once my passions and joys suddenly seem so meaningless.  I played soccer at a local park in a semi-competitive league this summer and cut it short when a couple of the other guys were playing a little rough... A little rough?  Are you kidding me?  I used to love that!  They play a  little rough, I play a little rougher and so on.  

It is so easy to label this phenomenon as "aging" or "maturing", but it is much more complex than that.  My concerns are whether or not I will be the father I want to be or if I'm giving Jaycee everything she needs.  What a concept: my life is forever changed by a little girl that has only been in my life for 9 months, two weeks, four days and 10 hours.  There was a day that I was afraid of responsibility, but now I welcome it with open arms.  It is responsibility that gave my life meaning and it that same responsibility that will make my life complete...