Still Learning...

It is a little sad to me to sit here and write this thinking that 20 years from now, I won't remember every single moment that happened today with Jaycee or her growing sister. For example, after dinner I sat Jaycee down to have dessert (pumpkin pie in case you were wondering). She wanted to stand to have her dessert, which I generally don't allow, but decided to let her when I saw how excited she was. After a few minutes of standing on the chair and eating, Jaycee leaned over to me, gave me a gigantic hug and a wonderful kiss. It pains me to think that I won't remember that specific moment that was so important to me today. Sure, there will be the rare occasion that something crazy happens and I'll remember it forever, but inevitably the memory will get fuzzy around the edges and turn in to more of a folk story than an event. It happens to all of us I guess and it is a part of life. That doesn't mean I have to like it. Then another life lesson emerges from the teachings of the wisest 19 month old I have ever met. Jaycee won't remember any of this either. She won't remember the hug and kiss from today, or our terrifying emergency room visit last year that turned out to be the overreaction of two scared new parents. She won't remember how it felt to go to the zoo or Alaska as a family. You know what she will remember though? She'll remember that her daddy loved her from day one. She'll remember that daddy has always protected her and guided her, encouraged and smiled for her, and she'll remember that no matter what this crazy world throws at her, her daddy will always be right behind her to catch her. If for some crazy reason, Jaycee or her siblings are reading this twenty years from now: I can only hope you got half as much from me that I got from you. And I hope you know how much I love you. And I hope you aren't reading this as late at night as I am writing it...

Tick Tock Tick Tock...

I have never been a very patient person. Waiting just makes me anxious, so I try not to do it very often. Of course, when waiting for a baby, one doesn't have the luxury of not waiting. So basically, I'm anxious.

The funny thing about this round is that some of those concerns I had with Jaycee are there. Like, having a happy healthy baby, being a good dad, and all those other general concerns. At the same time, I noticed that a lot of those other fears from round one are gone. Like, changing diapers, how much my life would change, having a girl, and all those other fears of the unknown.

I am kind of entering this step with confident cautiousness. Sort of like when you watch a clip on T.V. where someone falls off a bike and breaks his leg. You know its coming and you are kind of curios, but you also turn your head slightly like it makes it easier to watch out of the corner of your eye.

This is just one of those times where I just want it to be here. The more time I'm left to myself the more anxious I get. Not to say ALL the anxiety is bad. I am really anxious to see Jaycee interact with her sister and am excited to see her in the role of big sister. I am SO looking forward to holding a tiny little creature that won't squirm out of my arms and I can't wait to rock a newborn until she falls asleep with her little hands and feet and toes and lips and nose. I guess kids are kind of like potato chips, you can't just have one... unless that's all you want...