The bitter sweet reality of a stay at home dad...

When Jess and I finally determined that I should be the one at home with Jaycee, I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  I figured my days at home, while Jess was working, would be spent trying to stop Jaycee from crying until Jess returned to rescue her from her inept father.  Of course, Jess didn't see it that way; she thought everything would be fine.  She thought we'd get along great and that Jaycee would be okay with her daddy.  Well, I am happy to say, Jess was right.  She was VERY right.  It didn't take long for Jaycee and I to find our routine and to get to know each other.  As time passed, something began to change.  Jaycee began to recognize me as her main caregiver.  She began to rely on my touch and voice for comfort.  When she cried, I could calm her down.   When she was fussy, I could get her to eat.  When she was tired, I could put her to sleep.  Not only could I do all these tasks, but I was the ONLY one who could.  Of course, this was sometimes a problem.  Like if I was away and Jess was home alone, life could be difficult for both of them.  I felt bad a lot of the time, considering that Jess had done such a wonderful job of bringing Jaycee into the world and was doing so much to keep her happy and healthy.  At the same time though, I felt something that I had never felt before.  Important.  The fact that my little girl needed me so much, changed my life completely.  It was so easy to make her the center of my world and even easier when I became the center of hers.  So time went on and our routines went strong.  I knew what she wanted and when and she knew what to do to get it.  Then came the summer.  Jess was finally going to be home and Jaycee was going into her fourth month.  I was looking forward to Jess bonding with Jaycee and maybe even a little relaxation as we shared the duties of diaper changes and bottle warming.  I must say, things went great.  As Jaycee got older, she became more and more aware of two important people and Jess quickly became a prime source of comfort and care.  So here we are, a few months later and summer is coming to an end.  It has been great having Jess home and even better that Jaycee has come to know her mommy better.  This is what leads me to the bitter sweet part of the story.  The need that Jaycee once had for her daddy has changed completely.  Now that Jaycee is almost six months old, she has begun to accept the fact that other people in her life care about her and are able to comfort her.  I think this is great.  I don't worry about her when I am gone (as much) and I know that she is getting to know some important people in her life.  So here I am at a realization that I didn't see coming.  While Jaycee was growing attached to me, I was growing even more attached to her.  Sure she needed to eat and be rocked to sleep, but I needed to do those things for her. So when she decided she didn't need them from me anymore, I was left with empty arms and wonderful memories of how important I felt.  I spent so many hours with her against my chest swaying left and right until her eyelids became too heavy to stay open.  I needed those hours.  How appropriate that she spent so much time with her head over my heart, because that is where those hours will stay... just me and my little girl.... left and right... left and right... left...