The bitter sweet reality of a stay at home dad...

When Jess and I finally determined that I should be the one at home with Jaycee, I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  I figured my days at home, while Jess was working, would be spent trying to stop Jaycee from crying until Jess returned to rescue her from her inept father.  Of course, Jess didn't see it that way; she thought everything would be fine.  She thought we'd get along great and that Jaycee would be okay with her daddy.  Well, I am happy to say, Jess was right.  She was VERY right.  It didn't take long for Jaycee and I to find our routine and to get to know each other.  As time passed, something began to change.  Jaycee began to recognize me as her main caregiver.  She began to rely on my touch and voice for comfort.  When she cried, I could calm her down.   When she was fussy, I could get her to eat.  When she was tired, I could put her to sleep.  Not only could I do all these tasks, but I was the ONLY one who could.  Of course, this was sometimes a problem.  Like if I was away and Jess was home alone, life could be difficult for both of them.  I felt bad a lot of the time, considering that Jess had done such a wonderful job of bringing Jaycee into the world and was doing so much to keep her happy and healthy.  At the same time though, I felt something that I had never felt before.  Important.  The fact that my little girl needed me so much, changed my life completely.  It was so easy to make her the center of my world and even easier when I became the center of hers.  So time went on and our routines went strong.  I knew what she wanted and when and she knew what to do to get it.  Then came the summer.  Jess was finally going to be home and Jaycee was going into her fourth month.  I was looking forward to Jess bonding with Jaycee and maybe even a little relaxation as we shared the duties of diaper changes and bottle warming.  I must say, things went great.  As Jaycee got older, she became more and more aware of two important people and Jess quickly became a prime source of comfort and care.  So here we are, a few months later and summer is coming to an end.  It has been great having Jess home and even better that Jaycee has come to know her mommy better.  This is what leads me to the bitter sweet part of the story.  The need that Jaycee once had for her daddy has changed completely.  Now that Jaycee is almost six months old, she has begun to accept the fact that other people in her life care about her and are able to comfort her.  I think this is great.  I don't worry about her when I am gone (as much) and I know that she is getting to know some important people in her life.  So here I am at a realization that I didn't see coming.  While Jaycee was growing attached to me, I was growing even more attached to her.  Sure she needed to eat and be rocked to sleep, but I needed to do those things for her. So when she decided she didn't need them from me anymore, I was left with empty arms and wonderful memories of how important I felt.  I spent so many hours with her against my chest swaying left and right until her eyelids became too heavy to stay open.  I needed those hours.  How appropriate that she spent so much time with her head over my heart, because that is where those hours will stay... just me and my little girl.... left and right... left and right... left... 

New fun... New Fear...

I am in total awe (sometimes denial) of how quickly Jaycee is growing and changing.  First she was smiling and baby babbling and now she is rolling over and teething.  I find myself thinking about the near future: crawling, walking, talking, texting (etc.).  We are having so much fun and we have so much more fun ahead of us.  I have encountered one problem with all these changes and all this fun: FEAR.  I never pictured myself as the worrisome parent.  I never thought I was going to be afraid to leave the room while Jaycee is sleeping soundly or that I would wake up a million times a night to check on her.  It seems like every development presents another concern.  For example, when I change her I can't even reach down to grab a diaper or she'll flip over on her stomach and reach for things that aren't baby friendly.  Oh, and that is a another problem now.  I thought our house was baby friendly!  I was obviously wrong, because Jaycee is quick to point out the flaws.  See, babies aren't required to read or acknowledge child safety warnings.  So that plastic bag that happens to be on the edge of the counter, somehow ends up in her chubby little grasp while she is slung over my shoulder.  I try to make a special effort to try and relax.  I try not to sweat the small stuff.  I guess I am starting to realize I cannot keep up.  Jaycee is changing faster than I am.  It's like she knows where she is going all the time and I am chasing behind her with a diaper bag and band-aids and the gap is getting wider.  I hope I don't sound like I am so stressed I can't be happy, because I am happy.  I am happy to see that my little girl is well on her way to a happy/healthy life.  I accept that my only responsibility in this world is to catch her when she falls (figuratively and literally).  Sometimes I think it would be easier to not let her fall and hold her up.  Then again, I wonder sometimes who is holding who up.  Is it me, being there to block out the bad and keep Jaycee smiling?  Or is it Jaycee, giving me another reason to wake up grateful for my life, my wife, and my family and keeping her neurotic father smiling?