The bitter sweet reality of a stay at home dad...

When Jess and I finally determined that I should be the one at home with Jaycee, I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  I figured my days at home, while Jess was working, would be spent trying to stop Jaycee from crying until Jess returned to rescue her from her inept father.  Of course, Jess didn't see it that way; she thought everything would be fine.  She thought we'd get along great and that Jaycee would be okay with her daddy.  Well, I am happy to say, Jess was right.  She was VERY right.  It didn't take long for Jaycee and I to find our routine and to get to know each other.  As time passed, something began to change.  Jaycee began to recognize me as her main caregiver.  She began to rely on my touch and voice for comfort.  When she cried, I could calm her down.   When she was fussy, I could get her to eat.  When she was tired, I could put her to sleep.  Not only could I do all these tasks, but I was the ONLY one who could.  Of course, this was sometimes a problem.  Like if I was away and Jess was home alone, life could be difficult for both of them.  I felt bad a lot of the time, considering that Jess had done such a wonderful job of bringing Jaycee into the world and was doing so much to keep her happy and healthy.  At the same time though, I felt something that I had never felt before.  Important.  The fact that my little girl needed me so much, changed my life completely.  It was so easy to make her the center of my world and even easier when I became the center of hers.  So time went on and our routines went strong.  I knew what she wanted and when and she knew what to do to get it.  Then came the summer.  Jess was finally going to be home and Jaycee was going into her fourth month.  I was looking forward to Jess bonding with Jaycee and maybe even a little relaxation as we shared the duties of diaper changes and bottle warming.  I must say, things went great.  As Jaycee got older, she became more and more aware of two important people and Jess quickly became a prime source of comfort and care.  So here we are, a few months later and summer is coming to an end.  It has been great having Jess home and even better that Jaycee has come to know her mommy better.  This is what leads me to the bitter sweet part of the story.  The need that Jaycee once had for her daddy has changed completely.  Now that Jaycee is almost six months old, she has begun to accept the fact that other people in her life care about her and are able to comfort her.  I think this is great.  I don't worry about her when I am gone (as much) and I know that she is getting to know some important people in her life.  So here I am at a realization that I didn't see coming.  While Jaycee was growing attached to me, I was growing even more attached to her.  Sure she needed to eat and be rocked to sleep, but I needed to do those things for her. So when she decided she didn't need them from me anymore, I was left with empty arms and wonderful memories of how important I felt.  I spent so many hours with her against my chest swaying left and right until her eyelids became too heavy to stay open.  I needed those hours.  How appropriate that she spent so much time with her head over my heart, because that is where those hours will stay... just me and my little girl.... left and right... left and right... left... 

New fun... New Fear...

I am in total awe (sometimes denial) of how quickly Jaycee is growing and changing.  First she was smiling and baby babbling and now she is rolling over and teething.  I find myself thinking about the near future: crawling, walking, talking, texting (etc.).  We are having so much fun and we have so much more fun ahead of us.  I have encountered one problem with all these changes and all this fun: FEAR.  I never pictured myself as the worrisome parent.  I never thought I was going to be afraid to leave the room while Jaycee is sleeping soundly or that I would wake up a million times a night to check on her.  It seems like every development presents another concern.  For example, when I change her I can't even reach down to grab a diaper or she'll flip over on her stomach and reach for things that aren't baby friendly.  Oh, and that is a another problem now.  I thought our house was baby friendly!  I was obviously wrong, because Jaycee is quick to point out the flaws.  See, babies aren't required to read or acknowledge child safety warnings.  So that plastic bag that happens to be on the edge of the counter, somehow ends up in her chubby little grasp while she is slung over my shoulder.  I try to make a special effort to try and relax.  I try not to sweat the small stuff.  I guess I am starting to realize I cannot keep up.  Jaycee is changing faster than I am.  It's like she knows where she is going all the time and I am chasing behind her with a diaper bag and band-aids and the gap is getting wider.  I hope I don't sound like I am so stressed I can't be happy, because I am happy.  I am happy to see that my little girl is well on her way to a happy/healthy life.  I accept that my only responsibility in this world is to catch her when she falls (figuratively and literally).  Sometimes I think it would be easier to not let her fall and hold her up.  Then again, I wonder sometimes who is holding who up.  Is it me, being there to block out the bad and keep Jaycee smiling?  Or is it Jaycee, giving me another reason to wake up grateful for my life, my wife, and my family and keeping her neurotic father smiling?  

The Double Take...

When we were planning on starting our family, the idea of me being a stay at home dad was sort of tossed out on the table.  After all, Jess was on her way to her degree and my commute to work was just too far.  Our options began to seem endless.  I could stay working and Jess could work part time.  We could live on a shoestring budget and Jess could be at home with the little one while I worked.  I  could look for a new job closer to home at night; and the list goes on.  In the end the best decision turned out to be for me to take the non traditional role of stay at home dad.  I am very aware that it isn't common for a man to be at home with his baby while mom is off at work and at first it seemed a little strange.  I have never known a stay at home dad and I didn't even know what one did.  Then when Jaycee got here I figured it out pretty quick.  Basically I do the same things every dad does, except I do it all day long.  Needless to say, as time wore on being at home seemed normal (to me that is).  While Jaycee and I were firmly in our routine I began to notice the double takes I was getting.  Not like people physically couldn't believe their eyes, but more of the mental double take.  You know, the one where you tell someone something they are not ready to hear and they raise their eyebrows slightly and give an awkward smile.  This bothered me a little.  I mean; what is the difference?  I take care of my baby just like anyone else would.  I change diapers, feed her, hug her, hold her, kiss her and all that other parent stuff.  How does anyone know I'm not as good as anyone else out there?  The point is: they don't.  That is when I realized the importance of perspective.  I guess I could stay offended and dread the "what kind of work do you do?" question, or I can totally embrace it.  After all I have the BEST job in the world.  Besides, I think I'm actually pretty good at this stuff.  When I look at it that way, why should I be offended?  I still manage to turn some of my tasks into man jobs.  I have been known to take out the stop watch while I change the dirty diapers.  I guess if I can say one thing it's this:  if you ever come across a stay at home dad, try to keep the eyebrows down, I'm sure he loves his job.  Oh and ask him if he's interested in a little diaper changing competition.  The current champion (me) holds the record: 13 seconds wet and 38 seconds messy...

Stress...

Another month comes and goes.  I find that the faster Jaycee grows, the faster life seems to move.  As the pace quickens the stress of life seems to increase.  As our adventure continues, I am learning that doing day to day activities isn't as easy as it was pre baby.  Just to go out I have a list of requirements that sometimes take longer to prepare than the actual trip would take.  Needless to say, I haven't been getting out much.  Lately I have been letting the stress build and I often have to remind myself that I am so lucky to be here at home with my little girl.  I have to stop and think about how hard my wife works everyday to take care of our family financially and then she has to come home and be super mom.  When you feel like the walls are closing in on you, it makes it hard to stop and put things into perspective.  I have spent some time thinking about the truths in my life that will ground me and set me straight and I have found that every truth is about my wife and my daughter.  Then the cycle completes itself.  I love my daughter and I love my wife.  I take care of my daughter everyday out of love and I love my wife for allowing me to have this little angel in my life.  It's funny how we can let the little things take over our thoughts when we lose sight of the big picture.  You know, I am learning more about life from Jaycee than I was ever able to learn on my own.  I can't wait for my next lesson.  Now who could be stressed with so much to look forward to?...  

Yes, it's official: I'm a dork...

A few days ago, Jess and I decided to go out to run some errands.  Since it takes so long to get Jaycee ready for an outing, we usually like to do all our errands at once.  Now I'll be the first to admit I have never been the fastest at getting ready to go.  On top of that, I usually forget things.  Needless to say, Jess always follows behind me and picks up the slack.  Well on this particular outing I was in charge of Jaycee.  I must say, I did pretty well.  I got all her stuff packed and didn't forget a single thing.  As for myself... let's just say I missed a few things.  Like grooming and proper clothing.  Being at home with Jaycee all day is wonderful, but Jaycee doesn't exactly let me know how I look.  It usually takes someone commenting on my 'grizzly' appearance before I remember to shave.  On this day, Jaycee neglected to tell me that I had been wearing my painting pants that had a hole in the rear about 9 inches long.  Whoops.  That is when something occurred to me: I'm a dork now!  I have made the official step into parenthood.  I don't care how I look, as long as my baby is happy.  Even with this knowledge, I don't see things changing any time soon.  After all, being a dork isn't so bad.  Sometimes I do dorky things like wearing my shirt inside out all day or putting my underwear on backwards only to figure it out when I REALLY have to go.  Then on the other hand I do dorky things like dance around the house to Neil Diamond with Jaycee in my arms and both of us laughing.  Or I stare at her while she is sleeping and wonder what I have done in this life to deserve such a wonderful, perfect, and beautiful little girl.  Or I look at Jess while she is holding Jaycee and I think about what a great family I have in front of me.  That is when it hit me;  if that makes me a dork, I'll wear that proudly.  So the next time you see a man walking through Blockbuster Video with a hole in his pants the size of Texas, maybe you should envy him and not pity him.  He just might be the luckiest and happiest man you will ever meet...

The Question

When Jess and I were dating, it must have been apparent that we were meant to be married.  It seemed like every time we saw our family and friends the question always came up: "When are you going to get married?".  So then we got married.  After a few months of marriage bliss, the question changed: "When are you going to have a baby?".  February 12th, 2008 arrived along with our beautiful little girl.  So all the questions have been answered, right?  Wrong!  "When are you having the next?".  The newest question.  At first I was floored and couldn't even give a straight response.  Another baby?  Do you not know what it takes to raise a newborn?  After fretting over the answer I would give the next time it was asked, I came to a revelation.  Everyone who asks the question has already been there.  They have all successfully raised children (which at some point were newborns).  I understand now.  There are few things in this world better than looking into Jaycee's eyes and knowing how much she needs me, now and forever.  Why wouldn't I want this experience again?  On an even deeper level, I realize that I need her.  So next time I get THE QUESTION, I just might surprise you (and my wife) with the answer...

Priorities...

I have to say that this learning experience is very rapidly moving.  It seems like just when I get one thing down, Jaycee is off onto something else.  For example, she usually wakes up at 6 a.m. and is ready to eat.  After a bottle, it's back to bed until 10ish.  Then one morning she had her 6 a.m. bottle then back to bed... then Jaycee said (no she's not talking yet, but as you'll probably see, I like to read her thoughts) "Not so fast Dad!  I think I'll be awake for awhile."  Awake she was for 4 hours.  Let's just say I made the rookie mistake of "making plans".  Those "plans" were important to me, but Jaycee decided for her... not so much.  Which leads me to my discovery of the month.  Priorities.  Something that you or I might think has some kind of importance, doesn't really matter to our little ones;  I suppose it shouldn't.  It takes those little reminders by Jaycee that this life is so short and these years, months, weeks, days, hours, and minutes are merely a bunch of seconds that go by one at a time never to be seen again.  So I guess I'm at the old cliché.  "They are only little once."  Wise advice that every parent gives so willingly.  With that said, I would like to submit my new list of priorities listed by the most important first:

1.  Jaycee

That was easy...